


A World Without Hanzo Shimada

by raku (takanope)



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, Major character death - Freeform, McHanzo - Freeform, i really am this actually hurt to write, sorry fam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-26 02:51:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7557220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takanope/pseuds/raku
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When an incident occurs in the battlefield, and Jesse finds himself burdened with grief his reaction is less than amazing. But a letter from the recently deceased helps put his mind at ease, and the battle with himself gets easier as time goes on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A World Without Hanzo Shimada

**Author's Note:**

> pre much just practising writing death and hurty stuff so i mean idk

Their relationship had never been an easy one, it had always been a fatal flaw in their team. Taking advantage of emotions, trying to lure them to their demise with screams of agony and begs that could destroy any normal man. They’d agreed never to go to them, for fear of the other being killed because of such a thing.

The battles were just as hard, trying to fight back the urges to run to the others side, the anger they felt towards the opponent only helping them win the battle. The flights back to base, where they’d send longing looks before retiring to their quarters. Bodies intertwined, holding the other as close as they could with no words needing to be said, the others mere presence was enough reassurance to know they could make it. Until it wasn’t.

Peacekeeper held between his fingers, his other hand positioned over his flashbang the screams of agony began again. Jesse threw a flashbang at the last few remaining enemies and rolled away, reloading as he fired a few shots to finish them off. He had to resist the urge, yet somehow he found himself going that way anyway. Kicking dead weight to the side, he let out a sigh and let out yet another spray of bullets that flew through the air with a sigh. Hearing a buzz, he smirked and reloaded before aiming his gun once more. Multiple men and women fell to the ground and he took that opportunity to glance at the body he had kicked to the side only mere seconds before.

As luck would have it, it just so happened to be Hanzo. A cry stuck in his throat, and he bent down quietly. Cold, cold, and he never thought he’d be so damn angry over this. He expected himself to cry, but all he saw was red. Every enemy his gun hit only pushed him further, agony tearing at his heart as he charged forwards. Sloppy punches, bullets landing like there was no tomorrow, bullet casings falling to the ground as he finished the last of them off. Reality came crashing back down and before he knew it a wave of anguish hit him.

Angela rushed over, the rest of the team not far behind as they noticed what had just happened. Alone he had wiped out almost an entire team, and they were unsure whether to fear him or whether to ask how. But the body partially buried under the rubble was enough explanation for them, Jesse on his knees with his peacekeeper thrown to the side told them enough. And whilst Angela and Lucio desperately tried to revive him, Jesse found himself being pulled towards Jack. With an arm around his armoured torso, he let out quiet pleas to be left for dead, whimpers escaping his lips as he chanted words like they were his lifeline.

“He isn’t dead. He isn’t dead. He can’t be dead.”

They were always right, Hanzo was his weakness and they’d finally broken him. Angela had taken it upon herself to knock him out so he didn’t do something extreme, and McCree welcomed the darkness that clouded his vison in the hopes that maybe he wouldn’t wake up. But all he got was torment, Hanzo was there holding him and he desperately clung to him with tears in his eyes before it all faded away. Light, light, light and the room that they shared and it looked just like any other morning.

Maybe it was just a dream, maybe it was just a nightmare. He dared to think it was just a dream, maybe Hanzo wasn’t gone. Maybe he had just left early, gone to make some of his Japanesey stuff like he did every morning. Feeling a small smile slip onto his face, he found himself dressing almost robotically. It was just a nightmare, he’d walk in and Hanzo would be there sipping some of his tea and they’d stand there together whilst Hana, Lena and Lucio pretended to hate it. But they wouldn’t, they never had the heart to take it any further than a joke.

Before his thoughts could take over, he heard his com go off. Something about an emergency meeting came up, and Jesse found himself walking to the briefing room, bumping into Angela along the way. Her sympathetic looks were suspicious but he shrugged it off and put it down to how tired he must look.

Swinging the doors open, but holding it for her he let out a sigh of frustration. He didn’t really want to go, but decided it was more important. Sliding lazily into his chair, he spotted Genji sulking in the corner. It was suspicious, but he tried to keep his reality going. Winston ambled in a few minutes later, and with only a seat empty it confirmed his suspicions. It was only a dream, it was only a dream, it was only a-

“As most of you know, in yesterday’s battle we lost one supremely talented soldier. Angela has worked throughout the night to try to revive him, but sadly it is too late. We will not be replacing him just yet, as I understand everyone needs time to mourn. For now, training will be off and you shall all be free to do as you see fit. If there is anything I can do to help, please do make me aware. We don’t need any… incidents.”

Jesse remained unmoving as an envelope was pushed towards him. He knew what was in it, they’d all been given the opportunity to write letters for if their untimely demise were to come. It stuck in his mind as he quietly excused himself, leaving the room and locking himself in his quarters. He didn’t know if he could open it, and as he clutched a previously neatly folded kimono to his chest the tears began to fall. He felt numb, he only had his kimono to hold, he didn’t have his Hanzo. He was gone, he was gone and he couldn’t get him back.

Rage ran through his veins, what if he’d tried harder, what if they’d tried harder. His fist collided with the solid wall before he could register what was happening, and he let out a yell of frustration. A bang echoed through the room, and his face fell. He just needed him, he needed Hanzo. He needed his arms around him, to be held tight and told in that stupidly dorky way that it was going to be fine. But all he had were pictures, half of them blurry or ripped. Writing, stupid little notes they left each other in the mornings if they weren’t coming back for a while. A few snippets of video from Hana’s streams, where she’d spook the pair and leave them all in fits of laughter as that damn smile came on Hanzo’s face.

“Jesse-“

A voice came from the other side of the door, gentle yet worried. It was Hana, of course it was Hana. She was like a child to them, she was like their child. With a grunt, he nursed his fist. It was the best he could do.

“Are you ok in there, we’re all worried about you.”

And with that, the tears he had been trying to fight back came back. Streaming down his face as he sat on the floor with a kimono in one hand and a letter in another.

“I have no idea.”

He muttered, only audible to her. But god he couldn’t bring himself to say any more, the words he tried to form coming out as incoherent messes. He just needed him back, he wouldn’t even care if it was a joke. He couldn’t deal with this, for years he had been hoping for someone as damn perfect as Hanzo but here he was, fists balled up trying to cope with the fact he’d been torn away.

“Please get him back, please. I’ll do anything, is there anythin-“

But he knew there wasn’t going to be a response, he was alone again. Clinging to threads, holding on to the memories that were beginning to fade. Wearing the ring he’d fought arm and leg for in the hopes they could one day move past this together. But alas, it just wasn’t how the world worked. War ravaged them, brought conflicts that could never be resolved. In the end, it might bring the end to him just like it brought an end to the peace he had once taken for granted.

“’ey Han…” He began, voice shaking as he let out a sigh. “It’s been lonely… without ya here. Genji’s gone, dunno where he is. Sounds like you dyin’ caused ‘im to deactivate or somethin. But it’s ok, ya aren’t really gone… jus’ sleepin’ for a while. But I miss ya, I want ya back more than anythin’ because we’re still fightin’ for ya. I hope you’re alright up there. I like to think there’s some kinda heaven… just for you. Where you’re alright… but I dunno. I love ya’… still…”

Turning his head to look at the empty side of his bed, he let out another sigh. It felt wrong, even after months of mourning he just couldn’t deal with it. He hadn’t had the heart to open the letter either, it still lay unmoved from where he’d last placed it, on his desk next to the ribbon Hanzo had left there right before they untangled their limbs and headed out for the final battle. But then again, today was probably going to be Jesse’s last, so as he shakily pulled out the letter from its envelope he let his hands trace Hanzo’s delicate handwriting. A bittersweet laugh rolled off his lips, it just reminded him of the notes that he missed.

_If you’re getting this letter, obviously I am dead or have been missing long enough to be presumed dead. I guess, if that is the case then I should really be writing some kind of emotional letter, but I do not know if I can._

_For honestly, if I am to have died, I hope you will not have had the misfortune of seeing it. Nor knowing, as I cannot imagine the anguish it will leave in that case. And I love you, I love you more than I ever thought I could. Love was always shunned in my family, I was terrified I would never feel it, but every time I was with you I was reminded of what I was feeling. It hurts me just to write this, as if you are to feel as much as I do you will understand. If you are to die first, I do not think I would be able to go on._

_You broke me free of the bonds that kept me tied to my past, to the memories and trauma that they had left. You made me smile, and for someone as supposedly emotionless as I that must have been quite the achievement. You held me whilst I was unable to breathe, comforted me with such soft words as if I could break at any minute, helped me overcome those nightmares that left me shaken to the bone. Your smile was all the comfort I needed, even your stupid nicknames for me became endearing. I smiled more than I ever did in the years before I met you in just a few mere months, and I would not trade the time I will have been blessed to spend with you for anything._

_I do not know what else to say, there are no words left to convey quite how much I love you and will continue to love you until my last breath. And if we are still together as one, I can guarantee my last thoughts will be of you. You became my world when mine lost all meaning, and whilst I may be rambling that is just in a bid to remind you to keep going. Do not make it an aspiration to join me wherever I may be, continue fighting for the cause that contributed to this. Get justice, fight in my name! Fight for the honour with the vigour you have held so close to your heart for all these years. Fight like the man I love, the man I will continue to love even from beyond the grave._

_I love you, and I do not want you to give up. Keep fighting, I ask that much of you._

And with that, Jesse McCree found a part of him at ease. He wasn’t going to forget; he was going to keep fighting to remember. It was the least he could do.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for riding the mediocre feels train, please take your tears and exit to the left.


End file.
